My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
