While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
