Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
