Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
