textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
