I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
