U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
