Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
