wakey wakey hands off snakey
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
