I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
