Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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