oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
