Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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