the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
