At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
