apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
