My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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