I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
