I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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