John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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