yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
