Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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