Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I need a beard to bite.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize