I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
