you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
