I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
