i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
