babies were throwing up all over the place
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize