I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
