she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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