I can text with my tongue
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Randomize
