Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
