My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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