I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize