you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize