If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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