So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
accomplished twins. life is a go
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
