i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
