i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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