y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
