anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
