I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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