Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
