my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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