Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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