I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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