I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
