Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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