To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize