Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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