you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
