Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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