Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
