I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
