hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
