I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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