and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize