Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
